Have you ever had "one of those days"? Yeah, sure, I know everyone has. But have you ever had "one of those days" turn into "one of those weeks" which turns into "one of those months"? And all of a sudden you are trying to determine when your life turned into "one of those lifetimes"? I'm there.
And suddenly, I just don't have the energy anymore. I'm not talking about a lack of physical energy either, because I realize I'm still pregnant. No, I'm talking about the mental energy. I have way too much happening way too fast, and I think I blew a fuse in me somewhere.
There are days when I feel like I have no more patience inside of me. I see other kids when I am out, and all I can think about is how annoying that little boy at the restaurant is, and how snotty that girl was with her mother, and how obnoxious that one was when she didn't get what she wanted. And frankly, this worries me a little. I think I might just be the worst parent ever. When I hear that little girl getting an attitude with her mother, I just want to walk over there and smack her. If that kid in the restaurant kicks that chair one more time, I might just go over there and tie his legs to his own chair myself. If I hear one more kid screaming about how they want something when I'm at (insert store here) I will probably tape their mouth shut. And here I am, about to have one of my own. What in the hell have I gotten myself into?
Of course, on top of that, you have all of the pressures of your friends turning into "perfect parents" as well. Not that I don't still love you guys, but you give the rest of us a bad name. I'm so glad that your little one has an IQ of 170 at 6 months. Still not sure how you figured that out, but I'm happy for you. I'm sorry that your child already learned Beethoven's Symphony Number 5, and you can't understand why they are struggling with Number 9 in D Minor. Hell, I guess the new thing is teaching your children sign language. That will do me a lot of good, considering I can't even remember the alphabet. Hopefully my kid doesn't want something and tell me in sign language, because I won't be able to understand them. I don't have mommy playgroups set up yet, I'm still not sure what I'm going to do about daycare, and no, I haven't picked out an Ivy League college and set the funds aside for them to attend. What do you expect, I don't even have a nursery yet.
Have I mentioned that Jacob has turned into a kid I've never met before? I know that parenting across town except every other weekend is difficult. I've been doing it long enough to figure that much out. But lately it has taken on a whole new level of impossible. I just can't figure the kid out, and I sure as hell can't seem to get through to him. I keep telling myself that if Jacob can just make it to his teenage years, maybe I will understand him better. But I think I'm just fooling myself. I don't feel like I have understood that kid since the day he turned six. He is the opposite of me in just about every way. He couldn't care less if he failed out of school before he even makes it to junior high. He doesn't get bothered by any form of punishment. You can talk to him until you are blue in the face, and not get one single response from him. Half the time, he can't even tell you what the conversation was just about if you ask him. You can take toys, games, video games and extra-curricular activities away. No problem, he will just sit in his room patiently and stare at a wall. You can tell him the same thing dozens of times and it NEVER hits home for him. And there are days that I wonder what in the world I am doing, getting myself into this again. Am I nuts? I have one kid that I can't relate to, what in the world am I thinking to have another????
I am so out of the loop. Would a good parent want to ship their first child off to military school or a boarding academy? What am I doing wrong anyway? Should it really be this hard, or am I screwing this up somewhere along the way? Maybe Jacob and the baby will turn into pop celebrities because it always seems like they are the ones with the parents that jacked up their entire childhood. If that's the case, my kids should be on their way to stardom any day now. Move over Brittany and Lindsay, I have your parents beat.
I look at Jacob and think "I'm not sure I can raise another boy. I don't understand him, I think he's from another planet." I think about me growing up and wonder "Can I raise a little girl without losing my mind? I'm lucky to have survived my own teen years, I have NO IDEA how my mother managed." And all I know for certain is that in about 17 weeks, I'll find out which of those two options I'm faced with. And I think I'm tired now...
PS: (small update) Jacob's report card came home tonight. Sigh... He went from semi-acceptable (mostly b's and a c or 2) to failing over half of his classes. Seriously. Sometimes I think he is the dumbest smart kid I know. He just doesn't want to try.
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2 comments:
Oh honey, I have to laugh. I felt the SAME WAY about obnoxious children in restaurants. Everyone says it's differet with your own child, and I think that's slightly right. (Although, some of those kids have such a MOUTH I don't think I'd ever be ok with that.)
Have you read the book "Transforming The Difficult Child"? I use it constantly in my practice with kids and parents. Of course, it's hard to do anything when you don't have a child with you all the time. But still, it might help?
Anyway- I promise: no one is as good a parent or as put together as the seem from the outside. (At least that's what I tell myself to feel better.)
You are totally normal. I can remember eating out before Miss B and Rob and I saying, "Our kids will never behave like that." What I think is probably more accurate is to say, "My kid will never get away with behaving like that." Every kid has his or her moments, but if you're doing your job then they know that they won't get away with it. Or they learn soon afterward that their behavior was unacceptable. You can usually tell when a kid is over-indulged. Their parents don't seem upset by the behavior or they are making idle threats ("If you do that one more time, we're leaving!" If only!).
And it will be different when the kid is with you all the time. You don't have much influence over his day to day, so you can't guarantee consistency.
And if you are feeling overwhelmed (which is totally normal, btw!), just start assigning us jobs. All you have to do is say, "I want the nursery walls to be light green with orange stripes," and I'll have Rob bring home all the paint chips in those groups. You pick what you want, and we'll get that room painted and as ready as we can. And you could go with your mom to register (I bet she would like to help you pick out baby stuff), or I'll help you if you want (I love the baby section).
We've got to find your happy place!
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